9G

In the midst of my solitude,

in my verge of confusion and lost,

you came and find me a home.

 

In my life where all are impossible,

things all in chaos and rumble,

you give me silence.

 

In a world where all are in strife,

where people seems bound in a lie,

you showed to me the truth.

 

In times when I’m down in spirit,

where all I do is to hide on my knees,

you’re there to lift me up.

 

How ironic how love finds us,

in between land and azure seas,

We meet and savor life offers.

 

 

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Eulogy (Part 3- The Finale)

con’t…

I always turned down meetings and seminars abroad because I don’t want to leave Ferj but my boss insisted me to attend the Business Summit because it was an opportunity for me to hone my craft. And I don’t know how to ask approval from Ferj and his family. My leaving for Singapore not only makes me sick but also makes me paranoid. I have many “what-ifs” in my mind that if only I have a choice I will never attend that Business Summit. On my way home, I ask the probable alibi I can in order not to let Ferj worry about me and will take his medications seriously without any things that will bother him.

I prepared my luggage bag for my business trip and bring Yuan to my buddy Nina for I’ll be not around for three days. At least he will be safe there. Then, I drive to hospital to inform Ferj that I’ll be leaving for a next day.
I used the stairs instead in order to practice my alibi not to stammer or to cry in front of him. I hold my emotions and make it sound realistic and prepare some crazy jokes to appease him. After three knock, I push my way in and he was there sitting at his hospital bed, watching some photographs with a headphone. (So that’s the reason why he never hears my knock). I just stare at him, memorizing his face, his thinly body and the apparatus all over him. If only I have something to do make him feel better. He moved and shocked when he saw me.

“How long are you there, dear? I’m sorry I never heard you knock.”
“No, it’s ok… Ah… I just arrive.”
“ I see. How’s your day” as he wrapped his arm around my waist.
“Good. How about you?”
“I have my vaccine at around two o’clock and guess where it was planted?” And wink me as if saying ‘you would not believe it’
“Hmm, it was usual to have vaccine on the arm, or on the leg or on the…butt?” and give him a sly look. “Don’t tell me, it was a pretty, young nurse apprentice did it?”
“Ha, you bet!” And his laughter filled the room. His body weakens but still his spirits is the same. Still a jubilant man I ever know through the years!
“Aha. That’s the reason you did not even hear my knock, mister? You’re still mesmerized, huh?” I rolled my eyes as if disappointed.
“Oh, don’t be like that. I’m a one-woman man, remember? I’ve been spellbound since I see you on that school uniform, no make-up, no lip balm and…
“Totally unglamorous” we said in chorus, and laugh on that day where we first introduced by Tita Jacques.
“So what happened after the injection moment?”
“ I just lie back because it hurts like hell. It makes me tremble in pain. And after I regain my strength I sit down, browse our pictures and smile on the thought it brings, and listens to this… And put the headphone on my left ear. The beat for me is melancholic and the lyrics put me into tears as he managed to sing a few lines.

“ …all through your life, I’ll be by your side, till death do us part…Baby I’ll be your friend, my love will never end, till death do us part.”

“I just ran some random music, and I listen to White Lion and this song struck me. It was a perfect song for us, isn’t it?” as he turned to me, seeing me into tears. He wiped my tears, and hugs me. I just sobbed over his shoulders. I can’t hold the tears any more.

“I just thought, maybe, maybe if I can’t carry the ordeal anymore, I can still promise that I love you till death do us part. Always remember that.”
“Don’t say that. See, you’re vital signs show some improvement and let’s continue to pray for your health. Just be strong. You told me that in every success, in every happy ending, there’s always a giving-up moment. So please, please, don’t ever give up, not only for me, but for us.”
“You’re the top reason why I fight, you know that. But sometimes, in God’s time, it’s hard but we let Him do the great things in favor for all.”
Ok. I know. Let’s change topic, I haven’t bring my Kleenex” and force to smile. “By the way, you remember Tim, my former roommate, my God she got married and guess what it’s in Singapore, and I can’t say no to her, besides I am her bridesmaid. I don’t want to leave you, but you’ll behave aren’t you?”
“Of course. Behave is my last name, remember?” I’ll be fine, Mom and Dad are here, Suzan, Abbey and Lian, so there’s no room for worry. Ok?” as he brushed my lips for approval.
“Ok. Thanks dear. I’ll be back soon. Wait for me, ok? I love you.”
“Oh,I love you , my peculiar, spoiled ,bratty wife.” As he try to wrestle me as I ended laughing on the hospital floor.
“You cruel, handsome, wizard, go to sleep or I’ll make you a crooked frog!”
“I prefer to be a crooked frog but please kiss me so I’ll be gallant prince charming.”
And I just bend to him and happy to oblige to my prince requests.

I fly to Singapore the next day but called Ferj parents first about the alibi and my three days Business Seminar. I request them and let them promise that I’ll be calling and asks for some information how Ferj doing and they promised back. Every time I have a chance, I called anybody assigned at him and confirm if he’s ok. And try to call Ferj every chance I get. On my second night, I called his phone and Suzan answered the phone.

“Hello, Suzan. How’s your Kuya?”
“Uhmm.. Ate, he’s , he’s, he was transferred to recovery room. He undergoes dialysis this morning but he was fine. Don’t worry, he still a fighter. Once he wakes up, I’ll inform him, you call.”
“Ok, Thanks Suzan.” I can sense something bad is up. Suzan voice is trembling and she is unsure of what she’s saying. I already confirmed that Ferj is in worse situation and I hurriedly pack my things so I will proceed to airport from the seminar venue the next day.

December 7, 2012

I arrived at the airport thirty minutes late from estimated time of arrival because of dark clouds and rain. From the airport, I drop my baggage at home, change my clothes and headed to hospital. On my way, I called Ferj phone and Tita Beth answers it. She instructed me that Ferj is in ICU so I speeded the car and run towards ICU. And there on his hospital bed, a pale Ferj welcomes me. Eyes closed, oxygen mask supports him and family who surrounded him. His parents embraced me and told that Ferj was rushed to ICU a night before because his vital signs dropped. Only the life support makes him breathe and they urge me to talk to him. Maybe, they said, he just waits for me.

“Dear, I’m here. Please open your eyes. I’ll promise not to leave you anymore. I’m sorry for I lied. I thought it’s the only way to lessen and not to worry about me.” I hold his hands and kissed him. I love you.”

No sign. The room is quite. I continued, “I know this would be difficult for me, for us, but if it’s time, as you’ve said, God’s time I entrusting you to Him for you not to suffer, not to experience pain and let enjoy the bliss.” Just go home to Jesus.” as I sobbed and clasped his hands and kissed him. And I feel his strong grip. I responded on his grip, he slowly opens his eyes, smiles each one of us, mouthed his last “I love you’s” and slowly welcomes heaven.

A week after Ferj died, we bring him to his last resting place. Before the final blessings, I ask permission to Ferj parents that I have something to say, as I put in— Ferj special request. Yes, his eulogy:

“Today, someone who is a dear to us left and be our angel. We’re like a shepherd who lost his favorite sheep, but as we bind as one, slowly we can overcome this tormenting part and let this ordeal pass. I know this would be very difficult but this is what Ferj wants us to be.
Ferj request this to me on his first few months at the hospital and I never said yes that time, but here I am fulfilling his requests. I don’t know how to say this, but allow me to tell who’s Ferj San Enrique in my life… Ferj was introduced to me during my senior year in college…”

As I about to finish my eulogy, I sang our favorite song, in between sobs.
“ …all through your life, I’ll be by your side, till death do us part…Baby I’ll be your friend, my love will never end, till death do us part.

The clouds cover the sky as we laid Ferj on his last resting place. His family and mine was last to leave. The crucial part of losing and moving on just begins.

December 24, 2012
Christmas time and I visited Ferj on his place. I bring him some flowers and his Christmas gift. I sit beside him and tell my Christmas wishes and my plans at midnight. I tell him that I’ll be cooking lasagna according to his recipes and Yuan receive his bone-shaped cookie courtesy of Tiffany’s Bakeshop. I told him…
“You know what dear, Tita Jacques visited me last week and she said how terribly he misses you. She joked about how you looked the first time you two met…but she emphasized that you looked different when your eyes locked over me. And I feel so proud I have you. And that makes me misses you more!”

I stayed a few hours talking to him and I was about to leave, when his family arrive.

“Merry Christmas Fia”
“Merry Christmas Tita, Tito, Suzan” as I hug and kissed them.
“By the way, I have something to give you, aside from our Christmas gifts; it was Ferj gift to you. Wait I’ll get it to the car.” Tito Jerry offered.
“Thanks Tito. I was about to leave, so I think, I’ll come with you instead.”

So I left them and Tito Jerry handed me the box beautifully wrapped with a note. It was Ferj own handwriting. As I closed my car door, I opened Ferj gift to me—it’s a ring! The letter reads,

Dearest,
I know that if you read this letter, I’m already in heaven with a wings and a halo sending you a “Merry Christmas!”
I know this will be hard for us, but try to have life. I’m always here for you, guiding and will watch over you. Always remember I love you. My leaving will be painful, but just feel my love from here…
By the way, take care of this gift, God was excited to see me, so I never had a chance to personally put it in your finger, called me selfish now but… “Will you marry me?” (You still have the options to say No, honey)
But if time comes, you will meet someone, and ready to be with him, you still have my blessings. I’ll sign the papers straight from heaven. Kidding!
Always take care. Take care Yuan too. I miss you both.
I love you,
Ferj

I slowly folded the letter as I wipe my tears.  The sky was covered with nimbus clouds, and I know rain will sure to pour. I glance Ferj’s eternity home,put the ring on and started the engine towards home.

Authors’ Note: Believe it or not, Nessy herself cried over this story. Maybe she can relate on something? (wink)

Eulogy Part 2 (A Short Story)

Part Two is the turning point of the story, when I wrote this, I affected and it churns my stomach on, and I have this rapid breathing…on how to make the plot less painful. Hope you enjoy!

January 16, 2012

“What’s wrong, dear?” I ask as soon Ferj picks his phone.

But he never speaks. He just listens to my voice. I never noticed that he called up so I have registered 25 miscalls.

“I’m sorry. I’m engage on the other line, and I have a rush reports to attend. I’m beating a deadline. Promise, it would never happen again.” I explain my side, assuming he wants some explanation.

 “Okay, pick you up later.” He said as he hangs up the phone.

I’m dumbfounded. I don’t know what happens. For four years of having together, it’s the first time Ferj became insensitive. I just console myself, maybe he’s just tired. We have undergone a lot of petty quarrels and so far all goes well. I try to focus at work yet I feel uneasy, I know something is wrong.

“ I’m here outside your office.ready to go?” Ferj text message arrives as I filed my reports, so I saved my work and shuts down my computer.

“Coming in a minute, dear. =)”.I replied while I’m running to an elevator. My hearts beats so fast as if I’ll be electrocuted. There is something wrong that I can’t pinpoint what it is.

“Hi, how’s my dear?” I smiled as he open the front seat.

“I’m fine. “ He said abruptly, he started the car and drives in silence.

“What’s wrong? You acted strange since this morning. ” I asked.

“I’m tired.”

“Okay. In case, you’re ready to talk about it, just call me.”

He just nods and focuses driving until we reach home. I feel paranoid but I just content myself staring at him. I want to cry but I hold my tears.

“Thanks. You want to drop by first and I’ll prepare our snacks?” I offered.

“No. I go ahead. Just take care.”

“Okay. I love you, you take care too. Drive safely.” As I open the latch, I never heard him to say his ‘I love you too’ or his ‘I call you later’. Instead, as soon as I got out, he started the car. This was the first time he acted weird. I know he’s not mad but he’s not on himself as well.

I put my phone in my pocket so that if Ferj calls, I can answer it right away. I waited his call till bed time but no familiar number registers.  So, I try calling him, just to know his alright.

“Hello, good evening”, a woman answers Ferj phone.

“Hi can I talk to Ferj?” I ask trembling

“I’m sorry, but he can’t.  He told me to answer his phone because he’s doing something.”

“Okay. Just tell him I call.” I bid goodbye and started to cry.

I wanted to die. I feel so cheated. I don’t want to be judgmental but who’s that girl that answers his phone?! For Christ sake, do my boyfriend cheating on me?! It can’t be his mom, because his mom and dad went to Canada for vacation. It can’t be Suzan because I know her voice and I bet she’s busy reviewing for her preliminary exam. Neither it’s her girl cousins because they know me as Ferj girlfriend, and besides they used to call me “Ate”. So is she the reason why Ferj acted strange lately? Is she a new girl?

I can’t sleep the whole night. I spend thinking and balancing figures out why it happens… why Ferj acted so strange… why he’s doing this to me? When was the time I cheated him? Feel him unloved? I never had an answer… I decided to leave him a message instead before forcing my eyelids to shut.

“ Dear, I know you’re not in a good mood to talk this out, and I don’t want to sounds a jealous or paranoid girlfriend, but can I hear you out…soon? Always remember I love you.”

As the confirmation message “ sent” appears, I put my phone on my bedside table, grabbed a sleeping pills under the drawers and swig a bottle of water. I pulled my sheets and dropped myself down feeling exhausted—emotionally.

Morning came, I feel bad to come to office. My heads are spinning as if I’ve been drugged. I check my phone for possible message from Ferj… and found nothing. I called my secretary and told her I’m not coming. Any urgent matters, and appointments will be re-scheduled next week. I just made an alibi that I’m not feeling well.

I tried not to move, I pretending asleep just to ease the pain, the torture. I can’t found any adjectives what I feel. I feel paranoid and I can’t help but cry. Now crying is an easy way out to release all my anguish.  I want to shout, I want to get this over… I want this to end soon!  Just to ease the pain, I pull my diary and started scribbling, the way I used to, but this time, it’s a painful journal. How cruel, how Ferj make me so miserable. My hands are shaking while I jot down, I feel stabbed and rejected… I doze off without even noticed.

I wake up late. My stomach is growling and I realized its past three in the afternoon. I haven’t eaten yet, the reason why I feel so weak. I checked my phone and there’s a voice mail left.

“Hi my dear, I dropped by at your office this lunch, only to found out your absent. Are you okay?  I’ll go there at your house after my conference, maybe at three? I’m sorry babe. I’ll have an explanation to make. I love you.”

I throw my phone in exasperation!  So easy to amends, huh? I cursed myself for being so weakling. How come I forgive so easily? Just hearing his voice again, vanished the pains away, all the pains had been sooth. Maybe a slogan of ‘foolish Fia’ fits in me. I wipe my tears back, and headed to bathroom when I heard a screech at the gate. I peep through my window, and see him standing outside. He just stands there, maybe thinking to buzz or not. Then, he pulled his phone and started dialing. My phone rings, I waited to three rings before pick it up.

“Hello” I said plainly and hoarse.

“I’m here outside, can I talk to you? Please, I’ll be waiting.” And I hear him sigh.

I never answered back; instead I put him on hold and go downstairs. I count three times, have a heavy sigh and open the door.

“Are you okay?” he asks as soon as he sees me.

“Not really. I feel bad, you make me feel bad.” I confess

“Oh, sorry dear for acting weird yesterday, got problem at the office lately.” And he put his arms around my waist and walked me inside the house.

“Am I still not forgiven?” he asks as soon as we sit at the sofa.

I just shook my head. I want to confront him why somebody answers his phone last night but I never had guts to open my mouth and speak up, instead I just looked at him and clasped his hands.

“I never used to your torture, you know that” he said as he waited for me to speak up. “I know you hated me for not sending any message last night or to call you up, I’m sorry I have to settle some things up… And I’m sorry but it is not the right time to tell you and I never intended to hurt you, to make you feel bad this way. I love you, you always know that.”

“You know what, why I feel bad?”

“No. Unless you will spill it out” he said in a low voice.

“Coz… because you  I called you last night, only to found out, somebody holding it, and worst it’s a woman.”

“Hmmm..so my wifey is jealous that’s why I got a cold treatment today.” He managed to smile at me and wrapped his arm against my waist and planted a kiss on my cheek.

“Don’t use your seductive smile at me, just to appease me and forgive you.”

“If it’s only the way so you can forgive me, why not?” and he chuckled and continue, “You remember Lian, my doctor cousin, who now work and resides in States, he just arrived few days ago, and I was with them last night. I’m sorry I keep it secret because I was there for his Bachelor’s Party, and I’m afraid you will not let me to go… “

“You must tell me, so that I will not worry about you. You frightened me, and you make me feel paranoid. Sorry.”

“I’m sorry; I will not do it again. Am I forgiven?” As he faced me and gives a long kiss.”

“You’re unfair, I said after the kiss. “So you haven’t told me because you assume I will not let you see those sexy ladies, wearing a skimpy shirt and a top, huh?”

He just giggled and wrestled me. “You bet!” he shouted as he runs towards the room.

I followed him still laughing and closed the door behind us. I’m just happy that I have Ferj in my life and I’m always looking forward to be his wife pretty soon…

I wipe my tears for the flood of thoughts that engulfs me. It was almost midday, but still sun is nowhere in sight. I glanced over the park and few students are loitering, maybe they skip classes or they just have something to think about, just like me. I started my car and headed home. I can still make up for a half day’s work.

It was past nine in the evening when I go to the hospital to visit Ferj. I was given access to visit and stayed with him till morning. I bring along Yuan, our adopted Chihuahua, for him to see. I knocked the door and I heard Tita Beth, Ferj mom, to come in.

“Hello, good evening” I said as I come in, kissing Tita Beth and Tito Jerry. I smiled at Ferj, while he is injected by his medicines again.

“How are you, hija? How’s your day, I heard you’re here this morning.” Tita Beth inquired.

“Fine Tita. I work this afternoon and I just left the office at seven, prepared Yuan and my things and headed here.”

“It’s very tiring; you have to take some rest too. We alternately watching Ferj and so far, he’s improving day by day.” Tito Jerry implied.

“It’s okay Tito and Tita, I can manage to go to the office in between. I already instructed my staff to calls me when something is up.”

“So, can we leave you here?!”  Tito Jerry said. “Maybe you both have some talks to do”, glancing at Ferj in which he is assisted back to his bed.

“Actually, we were about to leave. We were just waiting to finish Ferj’s medication. Lian advised us to rest and he will have to watch Ferj from time to time, but I’ll be sending Suzan for Ferj company.”

“No problem Tita, I will stay till morning. You can advise Suzan to be here at six in the morning instead,”

“Thank you Fia. And Suzan will be happy to hear it.” Tita said.

Ferj Mom and Dad bid goodbye after a few minutes. I settled Yuan sleeping bag, in case he will be fall asleep, when I heard Ferj coughing.

“Dear, are you okay?” I asked.

“Yes, dear.  I just want to be noticed.” He smiled at me, as I walked towards him.

“You frightened me.”

“Sorry. How’s your day?”

“Fine.  I just spend my afternoon at the office, making some calls and done some invoicing. My files piled up already, so I left past seven. How about you?”

“Same as usual. Lian dropped by here this afternoon straight from the airport. He checked my condition and he will be the one accompanying me for my next session”

“I heard Tita mentioning Lian’s name but I never paid attention earlier. “

“Maybe you still hated him, when he dragged me into his Bachelor’s Party and you still jealous over his wife” and flashing his smile, remembering what happened year ago.

“Of course not. I can’t forget how you manage to keep secret about your condition to me.”

“Because I always want to protect you from pains and I was still under shock that time, you know. I was not in myself when I hear it straight from the doctor. But, there’s no secret remains untold, cliché goes,” He looked straight into my eyes as he said that words.

“I know. But I’m also in pain when I see you like that.”

“Don’t be.  It’s just a test of God to me, I can handle this. He’s always at my side, right from the very start, until I have you now. I love you dear.”

“I love you too,” I hug him and he kiss me back. “Now, you have to take some rest, Yuan and I will be right here.” Pointing Yuan at the side of the room snuggle at his sleeping bag.

“Oh, I miss our baby.” He said, referring to Yuan. “Thanks for bringing him here”

“Welcome. For sure he misses you and your bone-shaped cookie”

“That’s pampering is all about.”

And we both laugh on the idea how he spoiled our pet dog. It was his gift during our fourth anniversary and we baptized him with our favorite baby name. He always considered Yuan as our eldest.

“You always used to say that we will consider Yuan as our son because you have your vasectomy.”

“Oh crap!” And he laughed again. “I promise to give you two babies, remember?”

“Yeah. One cute, be-dimpled baby boy and a curly-haired, pretty baby girl”

“Aha, with specifications? Good Lord, have mercy. I was tormented by my girl, already.”

“Are you refusing, young man?”

“Of course not, I’m very submissive hubby, you know that.”

“Good. You better sleep now and reserve all your swimming tadpoles, okay?”

“Okay.” And he wrestled me into his arms and pretending asleep.

“You can’t fool me.” I tickle his nose and he burst into laughter. “See?! You’re a cheater!”

“Of course not.” I was about to sleep but you disturbed me,” rolling his eyes.

“Okay. Okay. You win!”

“Good girl. Good night, dear. I always love you.”

“Good night too” I mumbled as he gives me my goodnight kiss.

It’s almost midnight and Ferj was already asleep. I was resting beside his bed and insomnia attacks me tonight. I already try to count jumping sheep but no to avail. And memories flooded as I closed my eyes again…

It was 16th of January when I received a call from Tita Beth informing Ferj was rush on the hospital. I was in the midst of a meeting and I can’t leave my team and the company’s auditors. After my appointment, I rushed to the hospital where Ferj was confined. I can’t imagine how it happened coz a day before we’re enjoying each other at Swan Lake—just a pastime we both enjoy.

He was diagnosed of Lupus and all his internal organ are slowing down. I can’t help but cry and asking God why it happens to him. Lupus attacked in a very tricky way, there’s no cure only you have a strong system. It can worsen a patient or will recover depending on how his body can fight all those “bad cells” eating and gnawing his body system. When I was given a chance to be near from him, all I can manage was to ask,

“why you keep this to me?”

And he just whisper, “Because I don’t want you to be hurt and worry” and during my vigil at the hospital he tells me everything.

“You remember the night you called and it’s Abbey (Lian’s wife) who answered it? I was with them, at the clinic confirming what the company doctor said about my situation at the very afternoon I was not on myself when I fetch you. I tried to confirm if it’s possible and Lian was the only answer for that. I went to him, check my vital signs and at that very night, I know that I’ll be not staying longer together with you and that saddens me. All my dreams that I’ve built together with you had been collapsed and for some reasons I wanted to die at that very moment. But Lian advise me, that there’s still a hope and possible recovery, all I have to do is fight… And I remember you, and you’re enough to change my mind.”

Six months had passed and still Ferj fighting for us. He battles chemotherapy and dialysis. He had his blood transfusion last month and a lot of vaccinations and vials of medicines on his side. And I can’t accept the fact that what if he will leave me behind. How can I fully stride again, to move forward to a future without him. Thinking of that possibility makes me sick too… but I want to be strong for him, to convince him to stay, and never ever give up.

Eulogy Part 1 ( A Short Story)

This story was incorporated during my MRT ride,wherein I saw lady handling a book and I read the summary at the  back, I was captured by the word, and when I arrived at the office, I can’t move on..not until I made my first draft. I started working this story at around June of last year, but till now I can’t manage to finish it. Hope wordpress helps..=)

 

 

“Can you do me a favor?”

I stopped arranging his medicines, and looked at him.

“Why, what is it?”

“It just knocks on me and I think of it last few days. Will you write my eulogy?”

“What? Are you sick?” I asked him in rage.

“No. In fact, I’m just lying here in this very comfortable hospital bed with an IV fluid on my arm as an accessory”.

He sarcastically teases me. He looked straight at my eyes and I saw how hurt he was in my reaction. I just mumbled my apology to him.

“I’m sorry. I never intended to react that way.  It just that… I feel it’s awkward to talk about that.”

He looks at me puzzled. As if he was searching for something which I can’t figure what or whom. What he’s thinking about? I’m little bit paranoid and uneasy at the same time.

“Are you still full of hopes that I can recover in this situation?”

“Yes.” I replied. Assuring him he can still make it, but back in my mind, I’m also not convinced what I’m saying. I fear that this would lead to a lie.

“Hmm..That’s the spirit”.  He smiled and continues, “And that’s the reason why I fall in love with you, and I never regret every second I spend my life with you.”

“Stop it.” I said, and walk towards him and give him a tight hug. Every moment we’ve shared give me a shudder. What if this would be the last time?

“You’re on a diet, aren’t you?” I ask him to ease up my feeling and to distract my thoughts.

“Why?”

“Coz I can’t wrap my arms on you anymore ,you’re so huge”. He lost weight since he was rushed on the hospital and undergo his operation.

“And so what, I’m still handsome.”

We burst into laughter as what he had said. A knock on the door make us stop and I hurriedly open it. The nurse in-charge came in and reminds me that visiting hours is over. I glanced at him, and he just shook his head, as if conveying me not leaves him.

“I’ll be back soon, promise. And promise me that you’ll behave, while I’m gone. I don’t want my hubby entertaining anybody else.”

“Insane.” Don’t be jealous, wifey. I’m all yours.” He said wearing his most captivating smile. Seeing him that way makes my heart beats faster. I can’t explain of that tingly feeling. Is it pain, confusion, or compassion? I can’t say the exact adjectives on it. All that matters, right now, is that he wakes up every morning to face a new day together with us.

“By the way, I already texted Suzan and she’s here…“, I never finished my line when Suzan appeared on the doorway. Suzan is his younger sibling and it’s her time to assists him today.

“Hi, Ate. Sorry I’m running late. Traffic.” She sighed . “Oh, Big bro, how are you? Does Ate feed you well?

“No. In fact, I’m starving.” Starving to be with her again soon,”

I heard Suzan giggled. “Dear, stop it. Or else Yuan will starve to death too,” referring to our adopted pet dog. I fixed my things, bid Suzan & kissed him goodbye.”  I’m about to leave when he called me.

“Dear, think about what I’ve said.” It’s big deal to me.” I just nod in silence. Honestly, I don’t want to think about it. Doing his favor is a big deal to me too. It’s a painful journal of memories I don’t want to happen nor readily accepted.

I ride the elevator as if floating in the air. My mind is not properly functioning. What the heck is he thinking about?  I reach the first floor and headed to hospital’s parking lot. As soon as I opened my car, I sit silently pondering what he has said. The favor his asking is still echoing at my mind. Will you do my eulogy? What if Angels of Mercy will not be on our side, and they will steal him to me? I can’t help and burst into tears.  I wept my tears as I’ve noticed the hospital guard coming; I lowered my window and answered what his signaling about.

“Yes?”

“Ma’am, are you okay? I just nod him.

“Is there something I can do for you?”

“No. I’m okay. Thank you.” He walked away mumbling but I started to start my car and left the hospital. Sun is nowhere in sight and rain will probably pour within the day. I’m not planning to go home early so I just drive around. I passed by on the park where we first met and memories flash back as I pull over…

November 26, 2007

                I just finished my thesis paper and I’m preparing myself for my last panel interview. I decided to have my brunch at my favorite resto. As I approached the door, Tita Jacque is smiling at me.

“Hey, pretty, I thought you’ll be not coming today, I cook one of your favorite”, she said as she prepared my food.

“Just busy, Tita. Besides, I’m always present if I have some time, you know that”.

“Yeah, I’m just missing our talks. Anyway, can I have your number, I bought a new simcard, and I can’t use my unlimited calls because I have no friends having the same network.”

“Sure, where’s your phone?”

“Here,” as she put her phone on my hands.

I saved my number on her phone, finished my food and bid her goodbye to attend my class.

                                                                                                ***

I’m indulge reading Danielle Steel’s Johnny’s Angel when my phone rings registering unknown number, thinking it’s Tita Jacque, I closed the book and answered it.

“Hello, good evening”

“Hi, good evening too,” said of my unknown caller, and I am surprised that it was a man.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you. I got your number to Tita Jacque; I’m her avid customer”.

“Ah, okay. I’m expecting she’s the one calling, coz she asked my number earlier.”

“Honestly, I’m the one who ask the favor to her. I saw you one time there, and I want to know you better”.  

“So, Tita has a hidden agenda why she asks my number, huh?” “How much is your bribe?”

“Secret”, He said, followed by a laugh.

“By the way, I’m Ferj. Tita already gave your name but I want to be sure. So, may I know you?

“I think Tita gives all what you want to know, but for the sake of your effort, I’m Fia.”

“Thanks. Now, I’m not a stalker anymore”, and he laughs again.

“You stalk at me?”

“Not literally. You can ask Tita.”

“Hhhmm.. so this is well planned, huh?!

He just laughs at the other line. That was the beginning of our friendship. Ferj became my texting and call buddy. He spend his night talking at me, and he’s a great help coz sometimes insomnia attacks me. We never run out of topics. He’s a good conversationalist and story teller. We share ideas about life, friendship, school, family and some out-of- the- blue things that pop on our mind.

                It was 5th of December and I just arrived from school when I heard a knock, only to found out that it was Tita Jacque.

“Can I have your time?” she asked smiling.

“Sure. Why, do you prepare a merienda for me?” I teased.

“Not only a merienda, but a hunk, that you’ll forget your aching stomach”, she said and grabbed my hands.

I followed her bewildered, and for the first time, she introduced Ferj to me. I was surprised and unprepared to meet him. I’m still at my school uniform, hair untangled, no powder, no lip balm, totally in mess!

“Fia, this is Ferj, my  Ryan Agoncillo look alike customer.” Tita Jacque broke the silence.

“Hi, I’m sorry; I’m on my unglamorous look tonight. I’m not aware that Tita will introduce you to me”, I said looking to Tita asking for help on how to face him.

“No it’s okay. Actually, I just drop by to visit Tita, and when she saw me, she said, I’ll stay and wait for her coz she’ll be back in a minute. I’m not expecting she called you,” he said.

We just look each other in minutes. And I noticed how cute he is, having a dimple on left cheek, a typical boy next door and very charming.

“You’re tall. What’s your height?” he asked, as he put his hand above my head as if measuring whoever is taller.

“5’3” how about you?”

“I’m just an inch taller than you, but you look so tall, “He said in laughter.

“No. You’re taller than me, it’s just that I’m lanky that’s why I look taller to you”.

“Did you eat dinner already?”

“No. I’ll be preparing supper, when Tita called me.” I said honestly.

“Wow, good timing, so can you join me, I don’t accept a no answer by the way.”

“So do I have a choice?” I asked and followed him.

We eat together at Tita Jacques’. Tita revealed to me the first day he saw me, and his regularly loitering there just to see me on the morning before he goes to his class, he’s out-of-nowhere questions just to get some information and many things that he wants to know… I was astonished on what he’s doing without my knowledge but it feels like heaven. For the first time in my life, I was bothered on his existence! I looked at him and he just stare at me as if saying “can you forgive me?” I bowed my head and continue eating but I lost my appetite, all I know is that my heart is beating so fast…

Saturday evening, a month after we first met, Ferj called up, asking if I will go to church next day. So I told him that I’m attending an early mass, so he decided to go with me. I agreed, besides I have no companion. Next day he picked me up at my place and we attend the mass. After the mass, he asked me if I have some plans or work to do because he’ll be preparing breakfast.

“Do you want to go to my place; I will cook our breakfast, I’m a good cook, unless you don’t know” he said showing his cute dimple.

“Really, I don’t know that you have that talent. Why you don’t have to apply it at Tita’s resto?”

“Hmm, it’s my hidden talent and my professional fee is too costly that Tita can’t afford to pay”

“Then let me try that too costly breakfast of you.”

That was the beginning of our being together. I spend my weekend together with him. We cook together while making stories, watch movies and both ends up in laughter, He reads book while I’m listening to him over a Nova and Sprite in front of us, sharing our most memorable childhood experiences, and exchanging ideas about our “dream-happy family” to our “dream hubby and wife”.

“I want to have a happy family someday”, he started.

“Me too. I want to have a loving hubby and two kids that are all so cute”, I added.

  “Two? Bad, me, I want to have one”.

“Only one?  Then you can’t hear a loud laughter and it’s lonely”.

“Hahaha! Is it lonely having one dozen children?

“Funny. If I am you’re wife, I will not let you.”

Really? It’s unfair; you want to hear a loud laughter remember?

“Yup, but not in dozen.” I rolled my eyes to disagree with him.

“If I want two kids, can you be my wife?” he said seriously.

“Hmm… probably! Then I can have a cute dimpled baby boy” I teased.

But he never responded to my joke, instead he looks at me intently, grabs my hands and clasped it. He looked me in my eyes and said,

“Fia, I’m praying this day to happen, and I would not spoil this moment. Can you be my girl? I want you to be my wife, have two kids and a happy family with you.”

I was shocked on his admission. I just looked at him searching something if he’s joking but he’s not. I pulled my hands and stand up, retreating myself, but he suddenly wrapped me by his hands, tracing my face.

 

“Just give me time. I want to think over it”, I mumbled.

“Okay, I’ll wait for it, sorry I ruin this day”, as he turned his back and sit to the nearest sofa, shoulders down, and looking at the wall blankly.

“I don’t want to disappoint you, but just give me few time, maybe I can come up with an answer.”

“I don’t want to put pressure or force you on this matter; I leave all the thinking to you, I already had mine.”

“Okay. Thanks, don’t worry I’ll ask my guardian angel to help me decide”, trying to calm him and to revive the good atmosphere again.

“Guardian angel, please be at my side”, he jokingly wished, as he kneel and clasp his hands.

February 2, 2008

I’m working my draft resume in my laptop when Ferj called up; I saved my work and talked with him.

“Hello, are you busy?!”

“Not really. I’m working with my resume, because two months from now I’ll be a career woman in a corporate world,” I said, emphasizing every word

“Wow, that’s good. Then you can treat me on the posh restaurant and have a ride on your BMW car on your first salary”.

“Huh, we’re dreaming again. By the way, why have you called, any agenda for today?”

“I just want to ask if you can meet me today, I just want to show you something”.

“Ah okay. Sure, just give me ten minutes.”

Ferj insisted that he will pick me up on my place. So I hurried to prepared myself and wait for him.

“Where are we going?”

“Let’s just say, you’ve been kidnapped by the most handsome guy in the world”.

“Whoa. Called it spirits! Well, I have some ransom money prepared unless you don’t know.”

“I will not buy that. Be my slave”, he teased.

We parked alongside of the road, and I know we’re outside city limits. I can breathe the fresh air and heard chirping of birds in distance. I can hear the whooshing sound of the waves and feel the heat of the afternoon sun.

 

“Cool. What’s place is this?”  I asked in awe.

“Wait, till you see, but first turn around because I have to put a blindfold.”

“What? Is it needed?”

“Yeah.  Com ‘ on, be a good sport”.

I turned back as he put the blindfold. When he’s done, he slowly guides me as we’ve walked. I can feel fresh air blowing directly to my face. It feels like home, I thought.

“We’re here.” As he slowly untied the blindfold,

“Wow, how come you discovered such beautiful place?”

“This is my paradise. When I was small, my family used to have picnics here and we spent our time playing, eating, and swimming. My grandpa loved to sit on the bark of that talisay tree and tells stories of World War II while my uncles are busy for barbecues.

The sea is calm and water is inviting for a plunge. The trees welcome every traveler with its sprawling shades. I just content my eyes gazing at the scenery. I never imagined I can go in this place courtesy of Ferj.

“A penny for your thoughts?” he broke the silence.

“No, not really… I just can’t help but admire. It’s wonderful, how I wish I can go back here with loads of books to read or make a poem.”

“Come. Let’s sit.” As he glide his hands on mine, and we walk holding hands to a cottage.

We settled on the cottage and he started telling stories on how his family spends Sunday’s. They have a happy family; in fact I’m crazy to meet them. I want to taste a special ginataan his lola used to prepare, a barbecue his uncles’ specialty and his special lasagna whom he proudly said to me.

“You know what, I have this specialty too.”

“Ows?! And what is that, fried egg?”

“No. I can cook and baked, lady. You’re challenging me?”

“Not really. I admitted I’m not a good cook, so that’s the basic quality I’m looking for.” Teasing him.

“Nice. “he said triumphantly. “Is that your way of saying I pass on your standard?”

“Huh?!” I caught off-guard. I never noticed, the words just slip and worst, I said it loud and clear.

“Fia, I’m deadly serious. I love you.” He looked straight in my eyes.

“Ferj, God knows I pray for His guidance on how to deal with this, and I believe this is the right time to say how I appreciate and love you too.

“Thanks Fia.” Then, he stands up and jest, “I never regret that I bring you here, now, I have you.”

“Is that your way of courting, it’s coercive” Replying to his joke.

“Sort of, and you’ll not regret it. I will cook for you, take care of you and our children, a good husband that you can proud of aside from having the most handsome hubby, of course”, he grins

“Whoa! That’s boasting. “

“Kidding aside, I’m serious.” Pulling me towards him and planted me a kiss.

“I love you”, he mouthed, glancing at me.

I just smiled back and hug him. We never noticed the time that it’s twilight as we headed home. It’s the happiest time on our lives…

Last Request

 

 

 

This poem was dedicated to Beatitude. T’was created during an afternoon which all I can do was stare at my desktop and his face was all over my mind as if his my screensaver,and take note I’m not busy..(lol)

 

Can you hum me a song?

Accompanied by a harp to heal my soul,

Or strummed your guitar to a sweet melody,

To vanish the longing I feel for thee;

 

Can you write our love story?

Even if it ends in tragic and agony

Just to inscribe the love we once unfold,

A living memento as we grow old.

 

Can you paint me a picture?

Of us—savoring the bond of being together?

A keepsake that I can treasure,

In this hour of solitude and torture.

 

Can you lure me to sleep?

So I can dream happy thoughts,

To forget the pains that you’ve brought,

The heartbreak and tears that I used to weep

 

Can you give me a hug and a kiss?

That I can carried as I welcome my eternity bliss,

To let you know that even in life and death,

You’re still my dear, I will always keep.

 

Can you grant my last request?

To visit me once in my last quest,

Put my favorite rose near my heart,

Then forget me and make a new start.

 

Writers’ Block Nessy Style

I love to write! I don’ t know why it just knocks on me and can’t help but words are streaming and ideas, thoughts and dreams keeps on pouring and pouring until I found myself having a journal of my own.
I don’t know when it started or how I come up in this kind of insanity. I just woke up one morning,that a dream of becoming an editor of college paper is a true one! I never anticipated that I can be a writer –an expressive and can touch lives through a pen. I’m not a good one but I’m trying to be one. The only thing that matters to me is that I can live in a world of worlds wherein I can be myself.
I can make happy out of the sad past, I can make an inspirational messages out of depressing experiences. I can write poems even in the midst of storms and aching hearts (and found out, it was a good poem compare to not a broken heart at all). I can let people smile despite of tears due to harsh things world banging unto me.
The paradox of writing makes me whole. I stumble a lot of times but as I grabbed my pen, I rise up on that muddy,sucking place and walk again– this time more careful!
My pen and papers witness how I grow up and face the world I lived into.They’re my refuge when I can’t find my way home. They’re my hankies when I need to burst out my pains and heartaches. They’re my pillows and sleeping pills when insomnia attacks on me.They’re my songs when I can’t hum any single note due to depression. they’re my constant companion on my weary days. I can’t live without them both.
They’re my life,without a pen I can’t stand up in times of my fall, It;s my staff,my anchor,when I sail and toss by stormy sea while my paper is the absorber of all my rantings and pleas!
Life without words to scribble is boring…
I thank God I can write! I THANK GOD I AM A…

My Silver Year of Blessings and More!

Every year when my birthday soon approaching, I have different ideas that come into my mind on how to celebrate it. These are the things that I never do, places I never visited, somebody I never acquainted or just an idea that captures me, and I want to try it…

Last year my birthday milestones include a visit to Camillian Sisters and helped in medical mission, visit Our Lady of Carmelite Church and visit Star City with friends..,

Now, as I turn a year older, I want to accomplish more. So at the mid of July, accidentally I visited Our Lady of Remedy Church at Malate. Only to found out it was one of the most visited church in the country! Unfortunately, we just offer some prayers because mass is over, besides we’re late to arrive because we content our eyes at Manila Zoo has to offer. (Forgive me, but it’s my first time to visit too,hehehe). After that we full our appetite at Max’s Malate, while watching yachts at nearby Manila Yacht Club.

At the end of July, I prefer to visit St. Jude near Malacanang as my church to pay homage. St Jude is known as Patron Saint of Hopeless. It was believed that if Board Exams are near, lot of students and devotees visit every Thursday to offer petitions at the church. Some of the hopefuls applicants or workers to abroad visit St. Jude for assistance and to answer their prayers.

Mine, I just visited St. Jude to thank him for another year added on my life. Some requests are for my family, career and personal petitions. (do lovelife includes here?).

At exactly the First day of the Month, at three o’ clock in the morning, I was officially 25!!! As the well wishers and friends greets me, I feel so complete. Even rain showers and hustling winds accompany me to celebrate, but still it was always a blessings. My colleagues never expected that day  was very special to me, in fact  nobody knows except some few friends that day was my day. It just turns out when my friend greeted me and the time that one of the pizza chain in the city delivers the cheesy pops everyone favorite!!!!

My birthday was always known by my close friends so even a day after, there’s still well wishers, Even in the time of writing, I read more messages from some FB friends which are very touchy,

My birthday prayers and common wishes are good health and a beaming career ahead of me, I’m looking forward for more years at HPH and serving more years with God as payback thru medical missions and church visits. I wish that I can serve more and all those dreams will come true including my dream house! (cross fingers)

As I finished these I want to extend my thanks for the following:

>Thank you God for the blessings and I promise to take care life and will act based on your design will. I’ll be your faithful steward and friend. Thank you for always there for me during my down times and for always hearing and listening to my pleas and prayers.

>Thank you to my family who are my pillars of support. Thank you mama for always believing in me and for trusting me even I’m away from home. I love you.

>Thank you for my friends for the friendship and love. Some come and left me, but the memories always lives on, but I’m so THANKful for the one who stay even how harsh the world offers. Thank you for sticking even destiny takes us apart. Thank you fellas!

>Thank you mentors and teachers from my grade school to college for enriching my lives and teaching me the good path in order to reach on this level. This profession is never accomplished without you, Thank you for bringing the best in me. Thank you for helping in fulfilling my dreams–My Accountant dream, now am I a full pledge one!

>Thank you for detractors,critics,enemies,friend turn enemies, and other people who are always pushing me down. As what my Bestbuds says,” You have to pray for them” and I will. Your criticism will always be my guide and lessons. You make me strong but I will never drop this fight!

>Thank you for my colleagues who are molds me and teach me on how to battle the work at the workplace. There will be lot of pressures and tears but I’ll be standing firm in order to fulfill my dream, to become a good employee, and to contribute something that HPH will be proud of. Thank you for the friendship too–especially my Service Team. I may not be part of the team, but you always consider me as one.

>Thank you Camillian Sisters for the prayers and love, Thank you for enriching my spiritual being and for the friendship we’ve shared.

>Thank you for those special friends that touch my heart one way or another, I’m so thankful that our path crossed and shared memories that’s so precious I can always remember. Thank you for the smiles that you’ve brought, for the words,for the jokes,for the moments,for the text messages, for the phone calls and other means of keeping touch.

>and lastly, I want to thank God for sending a Good-man into my life. He’s always an inspiration to me. We’re maybe apart, but I appreciate every effort he exerted. Time difference will hinder us but I know in Love’s clock, there’s always a right time. I’m just enjoying what love will offer us, but if it’s Him, I will thank God in advance.

I’m looking forward for more years and years to come!!!!!!!!!!!!