At this moment I ask myself, “do I make a right choice?”

I have given all my life despite the signs and warnings that I have observed, believing that people change and prayers can be answered in the right time. But maybe,there is also unanswered prayers that I fool myself in believing into it. I forgive for hundred times and cried nth time for the pain that I have felt. I keep my mouth shut and remain in silence, assuming that things will be alright.

But,at some point I feel betrayed.

I gave up all my dreams and focus into one. I didn’t submit myself to anyone and believe in destiny yet it dawned to me that in this ordeal it was only me that remained faithful. I lower my standard and eat my pride to accept the flaws and imperfections but I am the one that lose. I am the one who is submissive enough and been manipulated…and I hate it. I am not used into it but I am the one who lead myself into this situation.

Now, I have to face the consequences and I don’t know how to start or to end. I don’t know how to run away and never look back. I don’t know how. I don’t even know where to go.

I am lost.

Did I make a right choice?

At this moment, I am searching for the answers and hoping I can find my old self–again.


My world is ruthless but beautiful. I am one of the ‘chosen one’ who is favored to savor the two sides of the world. I was born out of a beautiful disaster that during those times you will be mocked, judged, stabbed and stoned by words that are cruel to five senses. Years passed and today, I stood on those people who maybe,perhaps, laughed between mom and me. Perhaps they are also the one who lift us during those down years of our lives. Perhaps they heard ridicules and other harsh words coming from different tongues that reflects my being.

I am blessed to meet them and show them the lovechild and the woman standing in front of them is the same. A strong woman who is bless by a heart willing to accept the fate God bestowed upon her.

I am that child and a strong one!


Today, I realize that I miss my daily routine–I’m the one who lock the gate, stride going to the main road where the tricycle are and ride on a public bus without any aircon in it… sometimes, its okay to break the status quo,to break the rules and to live freely. I miss my old self and I want to bring her back to life.

It’s odd that I write again after months of silence.