May 5th 2019

It was the most painful and bravest moment of my life…

The ordeal last for 10 hours and I was alone on the labor room waiting fate and holding on to my faith. The only companion on my solace is the young male nurse wearing a blue scrub suit with an Arabic name hospital scribbled above his pocket who is generous enough to offer his hand when I want to pee and give me cold drink when I was thirsty.

The doctor’s series of painful internal examinations every hour and the non stress test machine which keeps on beeping dread me most. The centimeters which the doctor mumbled and the sound of the machine makes the time run so slow. If only I can ask someone who can rub my lower back to ease the pain but it is not allowed as if I carry the world on my own bare hands and as if I have made a bigger mistake and need to be punished but I am strong enough to hold any tears. I follow my friend’s advice not to cry so I have save energy for my delivery.

It was sunday and ASAP plays on the TV set above me. There are songs and artists that somehow can distract me from the contractions and the salbutamol which was injected on my IV that lure me to sleep but the pain is hardly to resist that all I can do is to grip on the stretcher bar and utter my groan of despair and hopelessness. From time to time I allow sleep to swallow and rock me so I can have some rest.

5PM I was transferred to the delivery room, I am 7cm dilated and it was expected that Gift will arrive soon. The contractions were low that the doctor suspected that I can’t make it but I keep on talking to Gift that he will make it easy for both of us.

Around 6pm my nurse who accompany me for the last nine hours bid his goodbye and wish me luck, I said my thanks and let the pain sink in. I reserved the last energy that I have and follow everything my doctor said to me. She is so kind to offer me balm that soothes my spirit and keep on assuring that I can make it. Somehow I believe in her words.

Finally, I have made my last push. I didn’t feel the crowning, which is medical term that I don’t need to elaborate but I feel the glide of Gift’s body pushing his way to see the world that his Tay and I lived and shared. The feeling is surreal. I am tired to smile but hearing his first cry and cradling him on the first time and latching on my mammary glands makes me a new person.

Yes, having him change everything in me. The things that I can’t imagine that I can make it, I do it. I am a sleepyhead before but when he came I barely sleep and can’t completed the eight hours requirement. I can’t sing but my nursery rhymes which I learned from grade school makes the weeping and crying bearable. I become the person whom I don’t know but slowly unfolding into my very own eyes. Everyday I learn and grip every moment that I can treasure and share when he grows up.

This journey just started. I am still torn but I keep on praying for wisdom. My heart slowly embrace that this tiny human being is my child and no matter what happens I will care,love and fight for him.

PS: If I will be given a chance to ask for a gift– I don’t have to ask for more. I already have mine.

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