Rites

I don’t know if this is the right decision for this thing should affect my whole being and it will be a lifetime.

I don’t even know my whole self nor the other half. I have been blinded for six years with broken promises and sweet words that never been put into action. I believe that people change or I can change people yet I am wronged and here I am taking the full consequences.

The person that I know before is not the same anymore or he doesn’t change but I have seen the pretensions and make-believe. I used to believe that happily ever after exist and destiny are meant for me yet it’s all in the books. In real life prince charming is deceiving. Untrue. Liar.

I don’t know how I can hide on this scenario or how I can run away and find myself again. I am stucked. I am prisoner.

I want to be free but how?

Or can I be freely the same way again?

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2am Thoughts

I sighed and cried but no one comforts

I am tired but no resting place

I am lost and can’t find my way home, my soul,my old self

I am alone engulfed with pity and regrets

Seeking hope and love

But they are not in sight.

Sablay

If I have to turn back time and when fate doesn’t turn his back ,this day should be my recognition day… but I take a different road and I recognize another role into my life which is becoming a mom to a six week old Gift.

Yes, regret sinks in–painful realizations and what ifs bite every time if I am alone. The pain of not having my sablay on time, the expectations that are not met, and going back to the university seeing unfamiliar faces because my batch already graduated hurts…but I believe the journey does not end here, I promise to go back on track,soon!

Sumablay man pero sa-Sablay tayo. Hindi matapos ang taon na ito na hindi natin maabot ang pangarap na yan. Tapusin ko ang laban na to!I am claiming to pass the compre exam, Sablay sa June 2020 (a little bit late as planned). I will go on as planned that my Filipiniana will be made from Lumban with love as planned. (During a trip to Caliraya I pass by at Lumban and see hand made dress made appropriate during Sablay rites so I promised myself that I will have one if I graduated and I will do it.)

The race was finished but mine is about to start. Another road,another track which is set for me. I know God has other plans and whatever it is He will be done. I believe my time for graduation is not June 2019 but 2020. I saw this verse from Psalm which my classmate posted that “you will be crying,but He will give joy on the morning” and I firmly believe that if you have dreams and you want to achieve it the universe will connive so you can have it.

This year maybe a hectic year but in every season I know God store surprises for me. I have to work and wait for it.

June 21,2019

3am Thoughts

Never did I imagine that I will be beside a four week old tiny human being who whimpers in wee hour as if he’s hungry after taking 2oz of his milk and makes me awake all night long or hearing little snores and noises aside from the whirling electric fan and deafening silence of our home.

May 5th 2019

It was the most painful and bravest moment of my life…

The ordeal last for 10 hours and I was alone on the labor room waiting fate and holding on to my faith. The only companion on my solace is the young male nurse wearing a blue scrub suit with an Arabic name hospital scribbled above his pocket who is generous enough to offer his hand when I want to pee and give me cold drink when I was thirsty.

The doctor’s series of painful internal examinations every hour and the non stress test machine which keeps on beeping dread me most. The centimeters which the doctor mumbled and the sound of the machine makes the time run so slow. If only I can ask someone who can rub my lower back to ease the pain but it is not allowed as if I carry the world on my own bare hands and as if I have made a bigger mistake and need to be punished but I am strong enough to hold any tears. I follow my friend’s advice not to cry so I have save energy for my delivery.

It was sunday and ASAP plays on the TV set above me. There are songs and artists that somehow can distract me from the contractions and the salbutamol which was injected on my IV that lure me to sleep but the pain is hardly to resist that all I can do is to grip on the stretcher bar and utter my groan of despair and hopelessness. From time to time I allow sleep to swallow and rock me so I can have some rest.

5PM I was transferred to the delivery room, I am 7cm dilated and it was expected that Gift will arrive soon. The contractions were low that the doctor suspected that I can’t make it but I keep on talking to Gift that he will make it easy for both of us.

Around 6pm my nurse who accompany me for the last nine hours bid his goodbye and wish me luck, I said my thanks and let the pain sink in. I reserved the last energy that I have and follow everything my doctor said to me. She is so kind to offer me balm that soothes my spirit and keep on assuring that I can make it. Somehow I believe in her words.

Finally, I have made my last push. I didn’t feel the crowning, which is medical term that I don’t need to elaborate but I feel the glide of Gift’s body pushing his way to see the world that his Tay and I lived and shared. The feeling is surreal. I am tired to smile but hearing his first cry and cradling him on the first time and latching on my mammary glands makes me a new person.

Yes, having him change everything in me. The things that I can’t imagine that I can make it, I do it. I am a sleepyhead before but when he came I barely sleep and can’t completed the eight hours requirement. I can’t sing but my nursery rhymes which I learned from grade school makes the weeping and crying bearable. I become the person whom I don’t know but slowly unfolding into my very own eyes. Everyday I learn and grip every moment that I can treasure and share when he grows up.

This journey just started. I am still torn but I keep on praying for wisdom. My heart slowly embrace that this tiny human being is my child and no matter what happens I will care,love and fight for him.

PS: If I will be given a chance to ask for a gift– I don’t have to ask for more. I already have mine.

Questions

Paano ba maging ulirang nanay? O ano ba ako bilang nanay?

In this phase of my life I am asking my self this questions. How to become a good mother? Is it enough that you give him his basic needs and show love and care? Or can I care and loved him the way he expected it to be? Am I the strict or lax mom?

A lot of questions keep rummaging my mind and I have no particular answers. I can read books on how and what to do but knowing that lectures and theories doesn’t makes sense if you have no experience then what I can only do is to hope and pray that someday I can be a good mom to my son.

Being a mom does not requires degree or any educational attainment but they say it is literally a hardwork. I gave up my dreams of having a degree on this phase and it was heartbreaking. The moment I stared at the two lines, I cried and asked myself what will happen to my dreams, I am almost on the top and I stumbled. There were days that I regret and ask the “what ifs” but I know it will only make me insane and bitter…so I cried and move on. Acceptance takes days and months but I act as normal as I am. There were times I hide and denial but I know time will come I will be healed.

“Ano ba ako bilang nanay? “There will be maybe and perhaps but only my son can answer it…and when that time comes, I am hoping he can something good about it.

“Paano ba maging nanay?” It is when you give up your personal dreams and become selfless.

Reality

I will only count weeks that I can see your smile

I maybe not brave enough to conquer the pains

I maybe weak to accept that things will not be go on as planned

I am too dumb to fight and face the world

I am hesitant and in-between

I am not good as others do…

But,

Having you is a life that everyone envies

A life that completes someone being

Your smile will warms my heart

And your cries will be my lullaby

You will be loved and beloved

For you are a gift

My special Gift.