May 5th 2019

It was the most painful and bravest moment of my life…

The ordeal last for 10 hours and I was alone on the labor room waiting fate and holding on to my faith. The only companion on my solace is the young male nurse wearing a blue scrub suit with an Arabic name hospital scribbled above his pocket who is generous enough to offer his hand when I want to pee and give me cold drink when I was thirsty.

The doctor’s series of painful internal examinations every hour and the non stress test machine which keeps on beeping dread me most. The centimeters which the doctor mumbled and the sound of the machine makes the time run so slow. If only I can ask someone who can rub my lower back to ease the pain but it is not allowed as if I carry the world on my own bare hands and as if I have made a bigger mistake and need to be punished but I am strong enough to hold any tears. I follow my friend’s advice not to cry so I have save energy for my delivery.

It was sunday and ASAP plays on the TV set above me. There are songs and artists that somehow can distract me from the contractions and the salbutamol which was injected on my IV that lure me to sleep but the pain is hardly to resist that all I can do is to grip on the stretcher bar and utter my groan of despair and hopelessness. From time to time I allow sleep to swallow and rock me so I can have some rest.

5PM I was transferred to the delivery room, I am 7cm dilated and it was expected that Gift will arrive soon. The contractions were low that the doctor suspected that I can’t make it but I keep on talking to Gift that he will make it easy for both of us.

Around 6pm my nurse who accompany me for the last nine hours bid his goodbye and wish me luck, I said my thanks and let the pain sink in. I reserved the last energy that I have and follow everything my doctor said to me. She is so kind to offer me balm that soothes my spirit and keep on assuring that I can make it. Somehow I believe in her words.

Finally, I have made my last push. I didn’t feel the crowning, which is medical term that I don’t need to elaborate but I feel the glide of Gift’s body pushing his way to see the world that his Tay and I lived and shared. The feeling is surreal. I am tired to smile but hearing his first cry and cradling him on the first time and latching on my mammary glands makes me a new person.

Yes, having him change everything in me. The things that I can’t imagine that I can make it, I do it. I am a sleepyhead before but when he came I barely sleep and can’t completed the eight hours requirement. I can’t sing but my nursery rhymes which I learned from grade school makes the weeping and crying bearable. I become the person whom I don’t know but slowly unfolding into my very own eyes. Everyday I learn and grip every moment that I can treasure and share when he grows up.

This journey just started. I am still torn but I keep on praying for wisdom. My heart slowly embrace that this tiny human being is my child and no matter what happens I will care,love and fight for him.

PS: If I will be given a chance to ask for a gift– I don’t have to ask for more. I already have mine.

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Questions

Paano ba maging ulirang nanay? O ano ba ako bilang nanay?

In this phase of my life I am asking my self this questions. How to become a good mother? Is it enough that you give him his basic needs and show love and care? Or can I care and loved him the way he expected it to be? Am I the strict or lax mom?

A lot of questions keep rummaging my mind and I have no particular answers. I can read books on how and what to do but knowing that lectures and theories doesn’t makes sense if you have no experience then what I can only do is to hope and pray that someday I can be a good mom to my son.

Being a mom does not requires degree or any educational attainment but they say it is literally a hardwork. I gave up my dreams of having a degree on this phase and it was heartbreaking. The moment I stared at the two lines, I cried and asked myself what will happen to my dreams, I am almost on the top and I stumbled. There were days that I regret and ask the “what ifs” but I know it will only make me insane and bitter…so I cried and move on. Acceptance takes days and months but I act as normal as I am. There were times I hide and denial but I know time will come I will be healed.

“Ano ba ako bilang nanay? “There will be maybe and perhaps but only my son can answer it…and when that time comes, I am hoping he can something good about it.

“Paano ba maging nanay?” It is when you give up your personal dreams and become selfless.

Reality

I will only count weeks that I can see your smile

I maybe not brave enough to conquer the pains

I maybe weak to accept that things will not be go on as planned

I am too dumb to fight and face the world

I am hesitant and in-between

I am not good as others do…

But,

Having you is a life that everyone envies

A life that completes someone being

Your smile will warms my heart

And your cries will be my lullaby

You will be loved and beloved

For you are a gift

My special Gift.

Hibernate

I stop dreaming.

I stop thinking what future holds me,

I set aside my plans

I try to forget the things that has been scribbled on my bucketlist

I close doors…

But on the other end,

I open myself up and embrace life within me

That dreams,goals and plans are not solely mine

This time it is ours…

Pangarap

Dati isa din ako sa nangarap,

Naghangad, naniwala

Na sa bawat hakbang ko, sa bawat kilos ko

May mararating ako

Lisanin ang dating pook kung saan ako nalulugmok

May pighati, walang pag-asa

Ang daming luhang umagos

Dugo at pawis

Bagkus tumayo ako at nagsimula muli

Bumangon at hinarap ang bukas

Na may pag-asa, determinasyon

At muling sinubukan na mangarap.

Hanggang nakamit ko ang inaasam-asam

Na tagumpay at kaligayahan.

Pangarap na minsan di ko akalain

Na maging akin.

To my dearest

My dearest Gift,

Life outside your world is ironic in nature.

Some sow love while others are in pain

Others are hopeless yet positivity comes in after the rain

There are beauty in the midst of murky waters

Laughter coming from a person who gets hurt

Sorrow after the happiest moment

…But even the world seems absurd and horrible

Rest assured that you are safe,

My heart will be your heaven

And my hand will be your haven.

I will be your friend and light

Even no one in sight.

I love you my Gift.

No

The biggest decision of my life is saying no to my biggest dream.

I feel shattered and broken.

I pity myself for not being careful.

I can feel failure slapping my face

The feeling that you are almost near yet it seems far-fetched.

I want to cry and hide

But cliche,life will go on.

There will be a different path to take,

This time a little longer

But I’m hopeful I can get back on the trail again–to my greatest dream.

#sumablayperosasablay2019