The biggest decision of my life is saying no to my biggest dream.
I feel shattered and broken.
I pity myself for not being careful.
I can feel failure slapping my face
The feeling that you are almost near yet it seems far-fetched.
I want to cry and hide
But cliche,life will go on.
There will be a different path to take,
This time a little longer
But I’m hopeful I can get back on the trail again–to my greatest dream.
Your kicks tickle my senses
Like popcorn pops and the aroma feels the air.
Like someone poke me then suddenly disappear
As if you giggle then stop because you are caught
The feeling is fleeting–
But for me it was the happiest and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms…
And give you hundred of butterfly kisses.
You are my unexpected twist and turn
Before life was a set of patterns,
Crafted meticulously, and followed earnestly.
But all the patterns,models and plans has faded,
When you showed on that fateful morning of September–
unannounced like a thief of the night.
You changed the idea of success and true happiness
That life is not about living with numbers
Nor playing of words
Life is beyond imagination, life is beautiful
Together with you.
You came and complete my inner soul
A song to my broken heart
The music of my silence
You fill the gap of my being.
Gift, you are the reason of my existence
You are my life.
This afternoon, on my way to school I passed by at the church and saw two figures–a child who is jumping and pointing to an airplane saying, “oh eroplano ma oh,nakakakita na ako ng eroplano” and a mom who hold his hand. His words pinched my heart, for years ago, I said the same thing.
Hailed from the mountain, it was, that time unbelievable that I can ride a plane for no one in my family works in Manila. I have an aunt in Davao but it is also far fetched that I can visit it. So,when the plane passed by on our place we (I and my friends or classmates) ran outside and looked at the sky and I can imagine our happy faces. Or even we just heard the buzzing sound and assumed that behind the clouds there is an airplane.I also wondered and asked “makasakay din kaya ako ng eroplano?” “Malaki kaya yan?” Many random questions that I kept and forget. In the province, riding an airplane is a luxury and I can say it’s included in everyone wishlist.
Now, I just smile at the thought. Dreams do come true so don’t ever stop dreaming.
*Yes, I got my dream when we have a fieldtrip in Manila (which I begged Mama to allow me) and I visit Davao too.*
At this moment I ask myself, “do I make a right choice?”
I have given all my life despite the signs and warnings that I have observed, believing that people change and prayers can be answered in the right time. But maybe,there is also unanswered prayers that I fool myself in believing into it. I forgive for hundred times and cried nth time for the pain that I have felt. I keep my mouth shut and remain in silence, assuming that things will be alright.
But,at some point I feel betrayed.
I gave up all my dreams and focus into one. I didn’t submit myself to anyone and believe in destiny yet it dawned to me that in this ordeal it was only me that remained faithful. I lower my standard and eat my pride to accept the flaws and imperfections but I am the one that lose. I am the one who is submissive enough and been manipulated…and I hate it. I am not used into it but I am the one who lead myself into this situation.
Now, I have to face the consequences and I don’t know how to start or to end. I don’t know how to run away and never look back. I don’t know how. I don’t even know where to go.
I am lost.
Did I make a right choice?
At this moment, I am searching for the answers and hoping I can find my old self–again.
My world is ruthless but beautiful. I am one of the ‘chosen one’ who is favored to savor the two sides of the world. I was born out of a beautiful disaster that during those times you will be mocked, judged, stabbed and stoned by words that are cruel to five senses. Years passed and today, I stood on those people who maybe,perhaps, laughed between mom and me. Perhaps they are also the one who lift us during those down years of our lives. Perhaps they heard ridicules and other harsh words coming from different tongues that reflects my being.
I am blessed to meet them and show them the lovechild and the woman standing in front of them is the same. A strong woman who is bless by a heart willing to accept the fate God bestowed upon her.
I am that child and a strong one!
Today, I realize that I miss my daily routine–I’m the one who lock the gate, stride going to the main road where the tricycle are and ride on a public bus without any aircon in it… sometimes, its okay to break the status quo,to break the rules and to live freely. I miss my old self and I want to bring her back to life.
It’s odd that I write again after months of silence.